Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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