not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
