out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
