Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
