So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
