I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
