he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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