Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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