i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
