You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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