Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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