So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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