I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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