That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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