just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
