never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
