i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
