If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
