im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
