Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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