Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
