i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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