if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
