And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
