Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
