God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
