I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize