If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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