just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
