i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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