Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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