What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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