i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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