So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
