are you still at the devil's house?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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