so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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