I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
