the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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