She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I pour the whiskey from now on
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
