I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
