I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
