I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
