i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
