I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
