They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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