Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
