I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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