there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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