In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
