His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She bit a glass in half.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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