I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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