i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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