If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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