This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
