I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just invented taco cereal.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
