I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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